I needed therapy from mother nature today. I was blocked and emotional and feeling completely lost in the dark without a candle to light my way.
I was all jammed up.
At my breaking point, I set off on a walk with no destination. I left the yoga retreat (updates on life to come, I promise) and headed upwards. I wanted to get away from surrounding farms and homes and needed a view. I needed to see what was around me and needed to gain perspective. I needed perspective on life, and in turn, I sought perspective in nature.
I’ve been blocked for the last couple weeks and I haven’t been able to find the light I once emitted with ease. I didn’t feel like writing. I wanted to update everyone on the past month but had a writers block I’ve never felt before. I would pull out my computer and start describing the events of the past month but it all felt so flat and lifeless and forced. The exciting stories wilted like a rose in the sun and the sentiment was cold and dry.
I would close my computer, frustrated with myself and my blockage. I was hard on myself and felt pressure to write but nothing came.
So today, I turned to solitude in nature for an emotional release.
What has been the source of my blockage, you ask? Uncertainty. At one time I was fueled by uncertainty. It was my driving force and the feeling that gave me power and inspiration. Now, I felt absolutely powerless and could not locate the joy that I once felt from having no idea what to do.
So I walked. I climbed. I trespassed on private land.
I was walking with vigor and purpose and almost tunnel vision. Searching frantically for something that would bring me solace. Something that would relieve this pain I felt from not feeling happy and free and light and flowing as I almost always do.
I was marching.
Marching through shrubs and thorny bushes and climbing over stone walls. I came to a dead end that was blocked by a wire fence. Not wanting to turn around or lose my steam, I looked for a solution. I saw that the fence was not completely closed off. On one side, it was merely fastened to a post by a hook and I immediately walked over to it and let myself in. I can’t believe I did this looking back, but in the moment, I didn’t even think of whose land it may be, if there were people currently on it, goats, sheep, whatever. I walked through the gate, closed it behind me and marched on.
My eyes darted from rock to tree to bush to open field, though I had no idea what I was looking for. Finally, I came across a massive olive tree with a perfect little clearing underneath it and decided this was the place I would stop for a bit. Emotionally exhausted, I laid out my trusty scarf and surrendered my internally ravaged body onto the earth.
I looked up at the sky and realized there were some light, soft clouds moving in. I thought, “How lovely to lay and look at the clouds like I did when I was a kid. Surely this will bring me some peace.”
I got lost in those clouds. I entered a meditative state and a sort of euphoria as I watched the clouds morph in the bright blue sky above.
I was so moved and overcome with inspiration, I pulled out my journal (which I bring everywhere) and wrote this:
As I lie here looking up at the clouds, having a mild panic attack, I can’t help but notice the beauty and grace with which they change and morph and swirl and collide and then disappear.
The shapes are constantly changing and there are mini-explosions happening each second. As soon one cloud has disassembled and evaporated form the force of the sun, another has absorbed the floating filaments and a new life is formed.
I imagine this is what the universe looks like if we could see everything in real time. Soft puffs of stardust floating in the dark matter and colliding with each other. Forming new planets and stars. This must be what it is like to be lucid and formless and completely and utterly free-flowing.
My mind is racing, my heart is pumping, tears of release are streaming down my cheeks and collecting in my ears. But then all goes blank and I find supreme peace and disconnection to strife as I follow the lifecycle of a cloud.
Beautifully destroyed and then all at once, reborn.
I feel like that is what is happening to me right now. I feel as though I am completely falling apart in an unstoppable disaster. But then I feel as though parts of me are being reborn and reformed. Given a chance at a new life and a new way of thinking and a separation from what once was.
Nature is my temple, my sanctuary, my church. I cannot live in a city separated by miles from my place of worship.”
With such grace and ease the clouds changed. I wondered if I could sustain change in the same way. I was inspired and humbled by the clouds and their lack of concern at being disassembled. In those moments I was a cloud. Exploding from emotion into a million indistinguishable pieces and then I was absorbed back into nature. Back into the mother. Back into where I belonged.
It resonated ever so deeply that I belong in nature among the trees and birds and flowers and fields. The grand mountains around me and the sea that lie beyond. I am nature, and to remove myself from the mother would only bring strife.
I have been debating heavily on my next move. I am overwhelmed and debilitated. I haven’t been able to think about where I want to live, so I put the idea out of my head all together, telling myself there is time and I don’t have to decide now. But as the days go by, it weighs on me in silence. I can always feel the fear deep in my soul. The questions that need answering, the people that need validation, the me that wants to have direction and passion and a guiding light.
Once my heart stopped racing and the tears dried in the wind and I caught my breath, I pulled out my harmonica and just let it flow. I played from my soul, from the depths of my being and didn’t even think about creating a melody. I just blew. I blew out all the negativity and created beautiful music. I freed up space for positivity to flow back in and it all sounded so sweet. I was blown away by what came out when I was not trying. When I just surrendered to the nature of things and to nature. I’m not tooting my own horn (of course I am, toooot tooooot) but I think what I created sounded pretty good. It felt even better.
From practicing yoga, I am accustomed to controlling the breath and creating space. But to let the breath flow and think of the negativity flowing out of me but passing through an instrument first was one of the most incredible experiences I’ve ever had. Wild and free and open and vulnerable.
I let it flow and was handsomely rewarded with the peace and space I sought when I embarked on the destination-less walk.
This adventure has been the adventure of my dreams, but that does not mean it has to be all rainbows and unicorns. To not let you in on the darker times, makes the light times seem rather false. I am human and even though I truly am living my dream, I still ride the roller coaster of life, with its ups and downs. Right now I may be upside down, but I must remember that what goes down must also go up.
I found myself in the exact same position at this exact time last year when my relationship had dissolved and the company I worked for closed. I was left with nothing, I felt, and became overwhelmed at the frontier of possibilities ahead. I find it interesting that this feeling should arise at the exact same time a year later in the very place I was wishing I could be, Spain. This just proves that nothing is constant. Nothing lasts forever, not even the powerful high from following a dream.
I am sure this sounds like, “Oh poor me I live in Spain and have no idea what to do next or where to go. Woe is me that I am living my dream and am faced with too many options and beautiful places to explore.” But this is what has been my inner battle. This is what keeps me up at night and in the dark even in the sun light. This battle has been my beast of burden.
My “problems” are petty compared to most people in the world dealing with war and death and famine and lack of clean water and loss of their homes. My strife is self-created, but that does not make it any the less important to me. And after all, Good Morning Flamingo is my heart on my sleeve, so here you have it.
Today, I took grand steps at clearing the rubbish within. I still don’t have any idea where I will be, but I am following love. I am letting go and letting love take over. My heart is my guiding light and I will follow it as my compass to the promise land.
I will continue this adventure humbled and grateful, for the clouds reminded me that everything is in motion and with change, comes beautiful creation.
I have briefly forgotten The Beauty of Uncertainty, but awareness of my omission will surely bring me back to the light.
Sometimes it is necessary to breakdown so you can build back up. Feel all the feels there are to feel. Don’t deny yourself of what is happening inside of you to seem strong on the outside. I am terribly guilty of putting on a happy face even when I am crying inside and this is no way to live.
Be vulnerable. Let it out. It does more harm being stuck inside of you than being out in the open for all to see.
I walked home with a pep in my step, a peaceful heart, and a smile on my face. I laughed out loud at how ridiculously out of control I felt but also acted as an observer. I didn’t jude myself and I wasn’t ashamed for feeling so much over something so little.
Putting this on the interwebs for all of you to see is also a step in the direction of my separation from my ego. To remove myself from being affected my criticism and flattery. This is life and that is that. No shame, no regret, no guilt, just TRUTH!
We all feel like this and me putting it out there hopefully makes some of you more open to the necessity of a breakdown and to reaching out when you need to escape the prison of your own mind.
This experience was an ego flare. A reminder from the ego that I still have much work to do on my spiritual journey and that anxiety is the easiest way to recognize that the ego has taken control. The soul does not have anxiety. The soul lives in the purest state of peace imaginable. I am so very thankful to have had this experience so I know to regain control, trust the universe, recognize an ego flare and snuff it out, and share my experience to bring the light in fully.
Whew! Now that that’s out of my system, I can get on with life!
Shanti, shanti, shanti. Peace, peace, peace.