Kids are Drunk Adults

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Or are drunk adults, kids?

Now I know this is not a new concept and I have even been saying this for some time before I was working with kids everyday. But now that I am around small humans a lot (more than I ever imagined haha) I can’t help but notice all the silly things my kids do that remind me of drunk adults.

I laughed out loud (lol’d) the entire time writing this and I hope to make you do the same as you read it. These experiences are from my kids ages 3-5.

  1. Mood swings. One minute kids are laughing uncontrollably and the next they are crying like their arm was just cut off. Sobbing big crocodile tears, hyper-ventilating, shaking, sweating, green booger rivers streaming from their nostrils; for no reason other than the fact that the green crayon is currently being used. Complete and utter disarray. And then 2 minutes later, all smiles again.
  2. Best friends to worst enemies. At the beginning of class, 2 kids are inseparable. They do everything together, mimic each other, hold hands, lick each other’s faces (the true mark of friendship at age 4), and are 2 peas in a pod. But the minute one of them uses the wrong crayon, talks to someone they’ve both decided is worse than broccoli, or wins at a game that the other lost, the daggers come out and the fists go flying. Friendship dissolved, for today at least because it will all be forgotten later. Short-term memory to be addressed below.
  3. They are impossibly clumsy. There is danger everywhere for a kid. Walking from the door to the circle on the floor is like crossing the Sahara Desert for some kids. They trip over nothing, fall over while walking, run into things that are completely visible, face-plant into the table while trying to get into the chair, fall out of the chair trying to reach a crayon on the ground, hit another kid right in the nose while singing the Weather Song. It is truly impressive.
  4. Partners in crime. Everything you do is better with your partner in crime on your side. You fuel each other to make terrible decisions and validate them because, well of course it is the most genius thing you’ve ever thought of, ever! When I see two kids team up in class I just want to throw my palm to my forehead and walk out because there is little I can do to break that inseparable duo. Two hellions running circles around me and everyone else in class, throwing papers around, bulldozing other kids, hiding, punching, screaming…you name it. Making bad decisions with someone else is just so much more fun, this I know to be true.
  5. Violence. Little boys are incredibly violent with each other for no reason at all – exactly like belligerent men. They commit random acts of violence on a regular basis including punching, pulling hair, slapping, kicking, pushing each other to the floor (which, to be fair, is not that far of a fall cuz they are like 2.5 feet tall), teasing, taunting, singing mean songs about someone being a baby, and do just about anything to make someone’s life miserable; including mine.
  6. Blacking out. We’ve all been there; that fuzzy night where we just can’t quite piece everything together no matter how hard we try. It’s the same with kids; which actually poses quite a challenge when trying to teach them things. Repetition is key because they black out, all the time.
  7. Being naked is hilarious. I have one class where the trend is to moon each other and it is the funniest thing that they have ever seen/done. Now I totally understand that at 4-years-old everything is about discovery and curiosity. I get it. But pulling your pants down in front of 12 other people in the middle of the Hello Song while everyone laughs and points is not ok. We’ve all heard the song (and probably seen it in action) “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off”…I’ll leave it at that.
  8. Bionic energy to zombie status. The kids I mentioned previously who run circles around me are always the first ones to hit a wall, and hard. Out of nowhere the madness ends and the kids are completely spent, laying on the floor making dust angels and drooling out the side of their mouths. Full circle within 5 minutes. 
  9. Brutal honesty. “Teacher Morgan your skirt is ugly.” Yes, this really happened. I liked said skirt (clearly, because it made the cut to come to Spain) and thought the kid who said it needed a lesson in manners and how to talk to a lady. I also second guessed my fashion, and then second guessed how much I cared what a 5-year-old thinks about me. Then I let it go and decided I looked fantastic. Kids and drunk adults are the most honest people in this world and both will tell you what they are thinking straight up. No sugar coating.
  10. Bladder control. Standing in line at a bar/club/concert when you really have to go is pretty much the worst thing in the world. It is nearly impossible for kids to cork it. When they gotta go, then they gotta go, NOW! And if I don’t let them go right then and there to the toilet, we’ll both surely be sorry.

Although these kids give me a run for my money, I am so happy the Universe granted me with the very thing I wanted the least. Teaching kids is hilarious and rewarding and exhausting but I love it. I laugh all day and they never cease to surprise me. They keep me young and teach me that life is too short to spend it crying big crocodile tears over nothing.

And the hugs they give me make every frustration and hair-pulling moment completely worth it.

Oh my god…do I like kids now?

5 Comment

  1. Mary-Lou says: Reply

    I can relate to this so much. U forgot to mention how messy drunk adults can be. For example I managed to spill Milo all over the hostel couches on Sat night after Booga haha. Great read.

    1. Morgan says: Reply

      Haha MILO! That was so tasty! I also forgot to mention no concept of time. “Oh, it’s 6:30 am…maybe we should go home?”

  2. mom says: Reply

    Love it so glad you posted it , so true.

  3. Jess says: Reply

    You are amazing and you have worded this so perfectly. There is a certain drunk adult baby that misses you… She goes by the name Baby J.

    1. Morgan says: Reply

      Oh how I miss that tiny drunk human/monkey (and her mama)!! Give Baby J and all her rolls kisses for me! xo

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