8 months and 5,724 miles is what it took me to realize that everything I needed to be absolutely blissfully happy and at peace had always been within me. (28 years and a million miles to be exact…but who’s counting)
I possess all the ingredients I need to make a happy and fulfilling life, I just didn’t have the recipe until now.
I would love to say I knew this the moment I stepped off the plane in January and began a life I’d dreamt of, but that isn’t how it went down. It was a full 8 months after living in a different country and exploring the inner-workings of my soul to realize all I’ve ever needed to be blissfully happy has been within me all along. Everything else is just a bonus.
Since I’ve been in Spain, so many people I’ve met along the way have asked me what I am looking for or told me this is a great thing to do to “find myself”. I scoffed at them. It literally made my skin crawl. I thought I was so far away from someone who moves to another country to find themselves. No, this was different, I was different, I was not that. Bah…what an idiot.
I said to these poor unassuming souls, “I know exactly who I am. I am not here looking for anything or to find myself. I moved to Spain to create and explore and LIVE a life I’ve dreamt of!” And I actually believed it. Please forgive me, that was my ego speaking.
OF COURSE I am searching. My ego got in the way of me admitting that I left the states to find myself. I had such a negative connotation associated with “searching” and “finding” and “looking” that I let it block the fact that that was absolutely what I was doing. And what a beautiful thing, to embark on a journey to find out who you truly are and really fall in love with yourself. To leave everything and everyone behind and walk alone.
Creating a life I love is a large part of what I’m doing, but I guess it is more like development. Like polishing the silver after a long time in the garage or getting the cob webs out the corners of a dusty room and cleaning the windows.
All this knowledge has always been in me, but it has been forgotten and buried along the way in this particular lifetime. I was born with all this wisdom from previous lives, but it got lost as I grew up and conformed and separated my mind from my soul. Society teaches us that the soul is as magical and mystical as a mermaid riding a unicorn running on a rainbow (which clearly exists just as much as the soul does, haha).
We are naturally connected to our souls as children but we learn to disconnect. We are taught to quiet the soul and allow the mind to lead.
A renaissance of the spirit is what we need, is what I am experiencing. A reconnection to who is inside and a release of who we built for people to see outside.
Break it down, clear it out, build back up and thrive.
I think we will always be on a mission to get closer to our souls. To who we are when no one is around. To really develop exactly what it is that makes us, us. I am a weirdo and I love it. I’m getting weirder by the day and I think it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m deprogramming my poor little mind and allowing it to flow free and wander and wonder and question and dream. To let go of what was confining me and defining me and keeping me from just being a being.
For me, this all came in a sudden revelation while I was working at the yoga retreat in Mallorca this summer. The inner work I’d been doing allowed me to be open enough to accept this idea, but I could not have done it without a little help.
I was talking with someone I will call “Spiritual Gangster” about how lost I felt as to what to do in autumn. I told him I had lost my mind. I said I wanted to live somewhere I could meet people who would elevate me. People I could connect with on a deep level so I didn’t feel like I was the only person on the planet, but I had no idea where this utopia was. I so desperately craved genuine connection to humans on my level. Connection to people who thought like me and felt like me and didn’t just entertain my cosmic babble, but added to it and told me I was not alone in this journey.
What he told me opened the curtains that had darkened the room that was my soul for far too long. His words let the light stream in. “Good, lose your mind,” he said. “What is left when the mind is lost? Silence. All you want to find is in you. All you are looking for you already have. It is in the silence. In the waves. In the wind.”
The moment I let go and allowed myself to be open to the fact that looking/searching/finding was not something to be ashamed of was the exact moment I found it. I meditated on his words and felt them tickle my soul. I felt the fire burn within and I felt the weightlessness and peace that I so longed for. I understood that I cannot look to others to fulfill anything I seek within. To have meaningful relationships is important, of course, but to have them when I am not complete within myself will lead to pain and suffering for all. To seek in someone else what you also seek in yourself is a recipe for disaster. To elevate with someone else in love, you must already be at the same level. Looking to someone for a “lift” will bring you both lower than you are willing to go.
I found out that all I wanted I already had. I realized I’d always had it. All it took to come into contact with myself was a shift in mentality and a release of the attachment to pride and the negative idea I’d created around the search itself.
It is ok to be searching.
Searching means you have either released yourself from something you previously allowed to define you, or that you are still creating yourself and getting in contact with your soul. Either way, the journey to the soul is the most important trip you will ever take. Ever.
In order to find yourself maybe you need to lose yourself.
I think being alone has a lot to do with this discovery also. Incredible things happen during solo adventures and alone time. Magic really.
Openness and acceptance is all I achieved. Through that, I gained access to an entire universe of potential.
There is a beautiful thing that happens with acceptance. No matter what you’re accepting I think this applies to everything.
Acceptance = Freedom
Freedom from whatever negativity or difficulty the situation held over you.
I’ve strengthened my self. I’ve realized the valued importance of aloneness. I am in harmony. I’ve connected to me and I am shining.
But guess what? You can too!
Walk alone. Meditate. Write. Question things. Wonder. Wander. Believe. Trust. Open. Accept.
Ignite your soul. Listen to your inner voice. Gaze into the distance in silence.
Rejoice in the beauty that is you. Blow your mind so that your soul can take over. Do more than exist.
Be grateful for all you have and know that it is also all you need.
Love & Light