Home, I Am

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A thousand steps taken,

a thousand more to go.

A year abroad and still no clue where to blow.

I left to find me to find home to find peace.

But home is not something to find

or a place to leave your things. 

Now I see that home is not anywhere but within me.

Home, I am.

As I mentally prepare to head back to the states in a few months, I am confronted with a choice – fear or love.

Admittedly, I am a bit more afraid of returning to my own country than I was to leave it for a foreign country, halfway across the world, where no one knew me. A city of strangers, but I found a world of peace.

I was not scared when I decided to move to Spain. Following a long-time dream gave me the adrenaline I needed to leap and not look back. The universe rewarded me with a series of flawless events that helped me realize that if there were anything I was meant to do, it was to move to Spain. I was intoxicated with positivity and confidence and my decision made absolute perfect sense. Looking back, I am almost in awe at the fearlessness with which I blindly jumped into the unknown. But it also teaches me to go forth with the same confidence in all that I do. That fearlessness still does, and always will, live within me.

Although my return is still a ways away, I can’t help but begin to consider how I will feel to leave my beloved Spain. I know, I know. “Live in the moment,” you’re probably thinking…”Let it flow and soak up the last few months abroad. You can deal with the future when it comes.” And as much as I am aware of all of this, and that is the exact same advice I would give to a friend confronting me with the same thoughts, I just can’t help it!

One thing that has erased my sorrows and heightened my excitement for the states, however, is my understanding of home.

If home is where the heart is, as the infamous quote says, then it also makes perfect sense that I am home – here, there and everywhere. Home goes everywhere with me, which in turn means that my home is everywhere. Problem solved. Whew, that was easy. Thank you logic.

I’ve never been good at math, but I think this equation is correct: Home = heart = me = home

Home is within all of us – in our chests, in our hearts. Home is me…and you and everyone – not a place but a state. We are all home no matter where we are geographically in the world – but accepting this is a conscious choice. We carry the spirit of our loved ones with us, along with the memories of their smells and laughs and faces and hugs. Some don’t need to stay in one place and plant deep roots to feel at home. Some do. But the others – the wanderers and nomads and the curious ones – make each stop a home and each friend a part of their extended families.

I feel so homesick

Where’s my home

Where I was born or where I belong

I was told to go where the winds would blow

And it blows away – away

– Alabama Shakes

Through travel, I began to accept the idea of the home I left when I boarded the plane no longer feeling like home upon return. I felt home within me and everywhere I went. Home is not where I keep my things. Nor is it where my loved ones live or where I grew up. “Home” and I have grown apart and the time has come for an amicable separation.

Over the course of the past year, I have been homesick twice – when family came to visit, and over Thanksgiving. And truthfully, this was not homesickness at all, not for a place at least. What I was feeling was familysick (I can make up words if I want!). I miss my family all the time but on those two occasions it was particularly strong. I was not longing for the familiarity of a place but for the familiarity of face.

For the majority of the time I have lived in Spain, I have been blissfully alone and at peace with that. I am strong, yes, but I also know that it is not strength that gets me through the days; it is the peace I have within, the love for the adventure that I am on, and knowing that I will one day (one day very soon now) see my family and friends again. But more than anything, it is knowing that home is everywhere I go and the peace that inevitably comes with that knowledge. It is knowing that I have the power to make a house a home no matter where I am in the world. All I have to do is say yes.

Something that helps me stay grounded and connected to myself is my little shrine that I travel with. It is a compilation of things I came to Spain with, gifts from people along the way and found things that make me happy. This little reflection of my heart reminds me of who I am and that everything is a-ok.

It started small (top-left photo) and has snowballed (bottom-right photo), collecting many precious things. I am a shameless rock hoarder and thing grabber on hikes. But much of this was gifted to me by either our planet or loves along the way.image1

The only thing I long for, truly, is the road. I crave adventure and the unknown. I seek thrills. I am a rolling stone at peace on the move. The more I see the more I want. The more I learn, the more I realize that I know nothing compared to what I thought I knew. I am insatiable for knowledge and understanding and dancing in the moonlight with beautiful strangers and changes in plan and absolute freedom. This is what drives me forward. This, this is my home because this is me. And because I do love to travel, it is necessary for me to carry home with me so that I am able to do what I love.

Your home may be different but if you stop a moment to think about it, home is feeling love.

Does anyone else feel like this? I know you do, don’t leave me hanging.

We are citizens of one world, members of one human race, bearers of one connected heart, inhabitants of one home. We are one.

Honey, I’m home!

11 Comment

  1. Mom says: Reply

    We love you so , are so proud of you , and know you are happy and at peace in your home. We also can’t wait to see you and hug you in the near future. We do miss you, FaceTime is not the same as the real thing.

    1. Laura Clounch says: Reply

      So…now you have family in NYC, COLORADO, PHOENIX…SEE you will still be traveling! We can’t wait to see you, LOVE you TONS!

      1. Morgan says: Reply

        Haha I will be all over the place! Add Texas and maybe Mexico to the list and I will be forever on the move! VIVA! Love you so excited to see you soon!

    2. Morgan says: Reply

      It means the world to me that you and daddy are proud of me mama! I know this life I’m living is probably not what you expected from your studious little girl, but this is my ecstasy! I love you so much and seeing you soon makes me so excited!

  2. Wow, “home is where the heart is.” Have truer words ever been spoken? This post really resonates with my spirit. I think that anxiety comes with both the known and the unknown. Kinda like the saying “familiarity breeds contempt.” For me the challenge of the unknown and the quest for adventure is what makes my heart sing, as well as the desire to “belong.” I don’t know how to explain it but there are truly times when you feel like a fish out of water, so when you do find that actual “place” that gives you a feeling of belonging then that can be home, not in the traditional sense of the word, but in the sense that that is where your heart is at that moment. And sometimes that feeling is rooted in the fact that you know very little about that place other than how it makes you feel. So go with what feels right my friend. And try your damnedest to hold on to your inner nomad, and always allow yourself to be led by the quest for the unknown. Be it on this soil or abroad. Treasure what you’ve learned and the experiences that you’ve had, but treasure even more the adventures that you’ve yet to have and be inspired and energized by those. Te Amo my friend ✌️

    1. Morgan says: Reply

      These words are what I needed Stephen! Thank you thank you thank you for your continuous love! It is in the dark times that I forget how amazing it is what I am doing and how easy it is to let my mind take over and rule my heart. A constant battle that seems to always be won by the heart (thankfully!) Going back to the states will be hard and exciting at the same time and I welcome it all with open arms. Holding on to my inner nomad won’t be a problem, I just need to find a way to grow it! You are awesome, simply awesome! Te amo!

  3. Rosie says: Reply

    Love this sister! Glad that you are well. I believe home is wherever you are at peace and it is possible to be peaceful everywhere if you cease the battle with the mind. Maybe if you come back to Phoenix perhaps we can meet up if you have time. I’m sure you’ll be greeted with tons of big hugs everywhere, as you are missed. Namaste. <3

    1. Morgan says: Reply

      The mind is beast that’s for sure! I hope you are doing well and healing and allowing light to enter into your heart. I will be in Phoenix for a bit for sure so I will let you know and we can meet for some chats and squeezes! Much love to you soul sister! Xx

  4. Kristen says: Reply

    It’s the faces not the places. Amen Rifey! You were meant to be a traveling thrill-seeker. Your adventurous ways intrigue me always and I know you’ll be happy no matter where you are. Things always work out and even wen you come back to the states know that there are a million open roads for you to explore from here. You’ve mastered living life to the fullest and truly embracing every experience. I love you for all that you are and I cannot WAIT to see you!

    1. Morgan says: Reply

      Thank you so much! It is going to be so nice to see so many loves this summer! Who knows what the future holds but I am excited to find out! Celebrating your union of LOVE in October is something I am looking forward to so much! I love you rifey roo!! Thank you for always supporting my wild antics! Squeezes soon!

  5. […] “home” after living abroad will surely be a challenge, but if I am not challenged I quickly grow bored. I […]

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